Just a coffee
by QBVictor
Summary: He didn’t even flinch. She wasn’t sure how she should have expected him to react but indifference wasn’t what she would have bet on.


**This is my entry into the Jello Forever March Challenge, "Satnding on the outside". And I should mention english isn't my first language so I apologize in advance for any mistakes.**

**Oh and I went to ask Bruno Heller. He said the exact same thing he says to me every time: "Please, stop touching me or I'll call security". Then he told me I still didn't own The Mentalist. So now you know.**

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She wished she could be confident she made the right choice. Maybe she shouldn't have agreed to the coffee. It seemed hypocritical after all that happened. But it was too late to change her mind.

She stepped out of her car and saw his car parked on the other side of the street and she suddenly felt her chest tighten. The moment she had dreaded for so long was really happening. But as ridiculous as coffee was, freaking out now and go home was even more ridiculous.

Taking a deep breath she kept walking towards the coffee shop they had agreed on. She couldn't help but take a look inside before going in. He was there, sitting alone at a table. He wasn't facing her but she could tell something was different. Of course things were different, but she felt like something was off. Pushing the door open, she saw his head move but never turn towards her. She approached him and once she was in front of him and he looked up she realized what had been different. He looked nervous.

She gave him a small smile as she sat on the chair on the other side of the table. He returned the smile but just like hers, it never quite reached his eyes. He made a movement towards her, leaning to kiss her cheek hello but when she realized what he was doing and leaned too, he was already sitting back, taking her lack of reaction for rejection. In the end they both mumbled an awkward "Hi" and silence fell between them.

She didn't know how to break the silence and he was doing his best to not look into her eyes. She used this time to study him, now that she was close enough to do so. He looked tired. His hair didn't seem as perfect as they used to be and she could tell he hadn't shaved in quite some time. But what surprised her the most was the pair of reading glasses she spotted hanging on the collar of his shirt. She knew he would look different but didn't expect him to be that different. At some point, the heavy silence became overwhelming for both of them and he stood up. Even though she had found the growing tension unbearable herself, she didn't expect him to leave her there. But she soon realized he wasn't leaving, he was just standing there, hesitant.

"What do you want to drink?"

As much as she had feared this moment since they had decided to meet, the moment he stood up, she had seen her opportunity to finally talk to him disappear and was now actually glad to get it back.

"Oh huh, just a coffee"

She wasn't thirsty and to be frank, she already had too much caffeine in her system because of the sleepless night she had just spent. But she let him get it anyway.

He came back soon with her coffee and what she assumed was tea. As she watched him place her cup of coffe in front of her, she noted that he didn't seem nervous anymore. He was calm, as if the only thing that had been worrying him was the possibility she wouldn't come. She couldn't decide if it was a good thing or not.

"Thanks"

"You're welcome"

Even if it was small talk, the fact that they were having an exchange of some sort gave her the courage she needed to acknowledge the big elephant in the room.

"My husband died"

He didn't even flinch. She wasn't sure how she should have expected him to react but indifference wasn't what she would have bet on.

"He killed himself"

She probably was hurting him just by being here but if she was, he never showed it. It should have encouraged her to keep going but she couldn't even remember why she had thought it would be a good idea to come talk to him in the first place. Silence started to feel heavy again and she knew if she didn't start talking again soon, things would get really awkward.

"I was happy. You know, when you asked me, at the ceremony two years ago if I thought I was making the right choice, if I was happy and I told you I was, I didn't lie. My husband made me happy. Even though it didn't last more than a year, he did"

She paused and put a strand of hair back behind her left ear. She saw him shifting in his seat. It took her a few seconds to realize he wasn't looking at her but at her hand. Her wedding ring. She knew it was quite ironic. After all she had been through, after all the pain and all the anger she couldn't get past, she still couldn't take it off. She probably should have made an effort and take it off before coming to see him but she wasn't there yet.

"I know you warned me. When we started dating, you told me it wasn't a good idea, that I would probably regret it. But I didn't listen because I was in love and for once I decided to not listen to the voice of reason in my head that was screaming at me you were right"

She really didn't want to hurt him un purpose and rub it in his face but she needed to say it all.

"And you were right of course. Just like you always are"

She wished that for a second, she could go back to when they were still friends and he would have made some annoying comment about her admission. But as she looked into his eyes she got the confirmation that they would never have this kind of moment again. As if they had been friends in another life.

"He had issues. I know, who hasn't? But him... I guess he had the kind of issues that just can't be fixed. He never should have gotten married. At first it was little things. But with time little things became things and then it was big things. I was there for him, I tried to help him, tried to find the words. I spent hours, nights, trying to comfort him. Sometimes, when it got bad, he would left for a few days, only to reappear without a word. Never a question about how I was. He would just tell me how miserable he was and he expected me to feel sorry for him. We tried to make it work. We kept appareances as long as we could but it was too late. It had been too late since the beginning"

She had promised herself she wouldn't cry. She had known she would avoid his gaze, torn her napkin to pieces and probably even bite a few nails but she had promised herself she wouldn't cry. But now, her throat was dry and she was starting to feel tears in the corner of her eyes.

"And then when he..."

She couldn't even say it. As she looked down to her hand, she almost wished he would say something. But he didn't, he just stayed there, looking at her. Almost cold.

"To be completely frank, I wasn't even surprised. A little part of me was almost...relieved. And that scared me at first. Then I felt guilty. But as time passed, I started to feel angry. I was angry at my family, at my friends. They didn't seem to be grieving enough. Like they didn't care. But then I realized the reason I was so mad was because I was the one who didn't care. I had reached the point where I didn't even care anymore"

She looked up to him again and felt her own broken promise running down her cheek, only to end up at the corner of her mouth, salty and bitter.

"I loved you so much Patrick"

At the mention of his name, all the emotions she thought he couldn't feel anymore were right there. Right before her eyes. Anger, guilt, shame, disappointment, regret. She felt like she had just been slapped. But she tore her gaze away, knowing she needed to say everything she had wanted to say to him all along but just couldn't find the words to do so until now.

"When you were in the hospital, I was there. You didn't see me because I stayed outside but I was there. I realize it was selfish, you shouldn't have been alone but I couldn't step in that room. I stood there, watching you. And now that I've thought about it, really thought about it, I realize that's what I've been doing since we met. I've always been standing on the outside. You never even gave me a chance. But I've made peace with that. I wish you could have too. My husband died in that room, Patrick. Now all I can do is ask you if you're okay and hope you'll say yes but I've come to a point where I don't know how to help you anymore. And I'm sorry about that but I tried and I... I don't know how"

He never moved. He didn't say anything. She stood up, hesitated for a second then placed a small kiss on his cheek. When she moved away, she didn't look at him and walked towards the exit. Once she was outside, she almost ran to her car, refusing to give in to the urge to watch him from the coffee shop window to look for any sign of reaction from him.

She wouldn't be standing on the outside anymore.


End file.
